Saturday, March 28, 2009

Day 452-453 Crazy thoughts

Long run weekend.  Actually more like longest run EVER weekend.  Got up and ran 15 miles in the snow and cold, uphill both ways.  (Ok at least one way was uphill.)  It was supposed to be 16, but my mind was going crazy when I was calculating distances.  Do you go through a pattern of just ridiculously nut-ball thoughts when you are running?  

The first two hours went fairly well.  Didn't actually stop, got on a roll and went farther than planned on the first part of the route.  During this time my mind was fairly normal.  It was only 22 degrees out so I think the brain wave activity was mostly just frozen.  

The third hour is when the delusional thoughts and visions start creeping in.  I saw some guy and his dog, on the course, and saw the dog doing his business right next to the sidewalk.  That of course makes me think about things like this.   (honestly the theme of this blog is not poo, I promise.)  I have met the enemy, and the enemy is a German Shepherd.  I imagine putting up wanted posters with the picture of the dog on lamp posts in the neighborhood with the text "Look at what this dog did!"  (Thinking about it, I hope my face doesn't wind up on a sign like that, based on my own roadside "activities"  "Look at what this MAN did!!!?!")  

Next I start thinking about how I've really found my "groove."  You know that running speed where you feel like you can just keep going forever without stopping?  Right I decided at this point that my groove speed is laying on the couch.  In fact I start dreaming about the best couches I've ever had the sweet pleasure of lying down on.  Mmmm couches.

Finally, I do an in-run literary analysis of the lyrics of "Another One Bites the Dust."  I decide at this point that I should become some sort of professional dancer, being the star of bygone music videos.  I think, during my run-induced vision, that I could make some cold hard cash doing this.

These are my delusions. 

452 - 1.0 in 10:20
Corrected distance is even worse...
453 - 14.85 in 3:00:01  
at least it was a lot faster than the last long run?

Props to the best mobile support team in the biz!  Teh wifey and teh kids!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Day Four Fit-ty! and 451 - Standing on the precipice

Right, shape up, and look respectable! Tip top, gut in, chest out, eyes caged forward! There's a link to this here blog. And as the sign above my computer says

yeah, so the respectable thing is more for me than anyone else...

The sign was a left-over from my Mother's power of positive thinking approach to things she put in my room way back when, many years ago when I was in High Screwl..., I think I've already disqualified myself with the uh...stooping posts. (Were there more than one? oh yeah.) Though I probably disqualified myself many times during those days.

So today was a pretty monumental one in terms of the streak! Four Fitty days in a row is nice, but even more than that was the mileage. I went in to today with a total of 993.1 miles run since the streak started 1/1/08. That left the scheduled nine miler for today to push me over the cliff to 1000 miles! That was when the artificially elevated, hokey, cheesy, blogtastic non-drama began....

You see the forces of nature said (in the voive of Burl Ives,
go figure) "He will not make 1000 miles! Muhahahhaha" then the forces of nature said "Seriously, look at the guy, there is NO WAY he will make 1000 miles" followed by, "No really, this dude is supposedly running? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" Its nice that nature can laugh. Thus everything was done to stop me from breaking the wondrous plateau.

First, Burl sent the blizzard. Fellow peeps in Colorado know what I'm talking about. The warnings for multiple feet of snow came from the weather dudes and dudettes and along with that came the fear, gnashing of teeth, looting and pillaging of Walmart, and outright panic. Usually this is followed by seventy degrees and sunshine, but in this case we got some significant snow and ice.

This means a trip to my friend the treadmill, currently located at my gym. Nice, soft, cushy deck, some annoying penance of having something on the Food channel selected by the gym staff on the TV, and I crank out my nine miles. Everything is still golden. So after fighting through the blinding snow and ice, spending two hours getting there instead of twenty minutes, I pull up to the athletic facilities. Confidence is riding high. One thousand miles is in my sights, with the celebratory activities that the wifey has planned to follow. Outsiders have been invited to the home (we take any excuse to celebrate), the catering is complete, decorations and signage I'm sure have been completed by the chil'runs, everything is set. I walk in and the desk lady says (sung to the tune of Silver Bells), "Hi we're closing in seventy five minutes."


External response: Ruh roh.

For normal running types, you do the math and say, 75 minutes, 6.9 miles perfect! For normal waddling types you say, oh dang, its time to bust it. Sprinted to the machine, cranked up the speed, turned up the volume on what ever dessert show I would be forced to watch, and headed off at great speed to... nowhere (love that treadmill!)

Way too long story short:

Day 451 - 7.0 miles in 73:48. Winner winner chicken dinner.
Its party time. I may do a little victory dance....

450 - 1.0 in 10:42

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Day 448-449 - The A List

So this has been done many times before, in much more humorous ways than this, but I started wondering after my last post about the Oprah marathon standard. Essentially there was consideration as to the significance or shame in not beating the time posted by Oprah (4:29.) This of course leads to looking at other notables who have run marathons and their times. Here are some examples you've probably seen before.

Clarence Thomas, Marine Corps Marathon 1980 (3:11)
George W. Bush, Houston Marathon 1993 (3:44:52)
Lynn Swann, New York City 1993 (4:26:21)
Mike Huckabee, Little Rock Marathon 2005 (4:39:04)
Al Gore, Marine Corps Marathon 1997 (4:58:25)
Ted Koppel, Marine Corps Marathon 1983 (5:09)
Katie Holmes, New York City Marathon 2007 (5:29:58)
Mario Lopez, Boston Marathon (5:41:06)
Freddie Prinze, Jr., Los Angeles Marathon 2006 (5:50:49)
David Lee Roth, New York City Marathon (6:04:43)

All that to say, I'm trying not to care too much about the time, but in my likely race I would like to pwn Mr. Lopez (though I will have my shirt on, and apparently he ran with his "girlfriend" at the time) and in my dream race I will stick it to Al Gore. Time will only tell my celebrity marathon ranking to come. If I lose to David Lee Roth I will punish myself by watching the video of "Jump" TWO TIMES IN A ROW! Ouch.

448 1.0 in 11:06
449 3.0 in 33:06

Monday, March 23, 2009

Day 445-447

Slowness.  Lentement.  Proceeding without haste.  These are all me.  I have this thing.  The marathon has a time limit of six hours.  I would really like to finish before that time expires (and before I do as well.)  I wasn't really worried about this until my last long run which due to some gravel and some extended rest breaks, and oh yeah a plodding pace that saw me passed by fast-growing weeds I have some doubt in my mind.  Originally I was thinking more like 5-5:15 with the crazy possiblity, if there were some gale force winds that literally picked me up and flew me down the course, I might be under five hours.  Its not beating Oprah, but hey its still mostly running.  Then there was this ridiculousness of 3:15 for 14 miles and change.  I know it was somewhat of an aberration, (abomination is the correct term for the mental image of the stooping) and I shouldn't worry, but there is the baring of my inner soul of turmoil and anxiety.    Time to embrace the challenge and go do some track repeats.  Maybe like 10x 2 meters with  forty minutes on the couch in between?  Something like that?  I'm in.

445 1.0 in 11:05
446 6.2 in 66:48
447 2.35 in 26:01

Friday, March 20, 2009

Day 442-444 Motivation is everything!

I'm always on a search for meaning.  Why am I doing this?  What is the point?  Is there real meaning to what I'm doing?  I don't always come up with a good answer, and often waste time and effort on things that don't matter.  However as an alternative here is something that does matter!  and makes a difference!

Go check out Michael at  and consider giving to his effort to raise money for the National Brain Tumor society.  Here is a link to a summary of his story and the place where you can give.  

There had to be a combination of crazy factors for me to even consider "running" a marathon, and Michael's challenge prior to going into his 3RD brain surgery and radiation and chem to run a marathon with him in six months was definitely a big part!

442 - 1.0 in 12:13
443 - 1.0 in 10:26
444 - 4.0 in 41:43

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Day 440-441 - Kindly ignore this post

WARNING:  If you are one of the individuals who keeps getting to my blog by using the google search terms of "man running and pooing" then read on, I'm sure you'll be interested.  Those who don't, consider yourself forewarned.  

My longest run ever, so far, by at least .8 miles or so.  Back on the marathon training plan wagon.  14 miles in a whole heck of a lot of time.  I did six 2.35 mile loops to try and simulate water stops.  I think the stopping at the stops for extended periods of time added much more time than intended.  Then I added a total of about 1100' of elevation gain over the whole of the course (hills?  I loathe thee)  Finally, I ate something that blew through my gastrointestinal system and midway through the sixth loop forced an immediate and urgent pit stop.  Its funny how if you've been running a few miles and the G.I. duress hits, you still struggle and try and think "I can make it back to the house."  You clinch and waddle even more and then if you're fortunate you can get back.  If you've been running a couple of hours, then the fighting instinct has been completely obliterated and your mental conversation goes something more like "gee I hope I can make it two steps to the side of the road before I take a dump in my pants, but if I can't that's really OK."  Thus there was stooping and pooping.  The unfortunate part was that I discovered during the "finishing phase" that there was no grass in this area, only topsoil and small rocks.  Thus after "using" both hands, they became "coated".  This became even more unfortunate when the G.I. decided it had more deposits to make.  The end result of this wonderful story is that I wound up running the last mile and change with gravel in the nether regions.  I'm sure the neighbors across the street were applauding the effort.

I'm a little concerned about my pacing and actually finishing in under six hours, but next time I'll see what my time looks like without the squat-thrusts toward the end.  (kindly ignore the profligation of puns in that last sentence.)  

440 1.0 in 11:16
441 14.1 in 3:15:55 (includes a whole lot of "rest area" time?)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Day 438-439 - Racetastic Race Report?

I've heard of these strange things that show up on running blogs (I mean like non-waddling blogs) that discuss and describe these things called "races."  Apparently they are big glorified group runs where a bunch of people stand really close together near a "starting line" for thirty minutes while the police clear cars off the street.  Then an announcer with a sense of humor that has a physical range of...himself, starts telling jokes when everyone would rather be running.  The everyone in this case are mostly wearing green, with green hair, green man-skirts, green beer kegs serving as hats, and green shamrocks plastered....everywhere.  Then a gun is fired, and the mob starts shuffling, and stopping, and shuffling some more.  Then a strange mob mentality breaks out, suddenly the people are no longer running for "fun"  (seriously people do that?)  or to get a good time, or as a pretense to drinking more green beer, suddenly the mob is trying to escape a burning building, or running to flee the guy in the green man-skirt because they all start sprinting as if their lives will only be saved by excessive speed.  If I were there I would utter a long sigh and keep waddling.  Waddling as I get passed by the lady in a green wig, the guy wearing a kilt and nothing else, the pack of seven year olds, the "serious" runners who cut in front of everyone cus they HAVE to get to the front, and of course the guy in the plaid polyester green man-skirt.  After about five minutes of running the mob is strung out, and if I were there I would start passing people.  Not because I would be fast, but because the towering inferno has been escaped, there are pubs serving green beer along the course, and my waddling is nothing if not consistently paced.  Then the "race" would consist of more running, me trying to "pick it up" for the last mile in order to make my goal time, passing some more people, trying to keep up with the guy carrying the POW/MIA flag, and crossing the line.  A normal "race" would not consist of me making the goal time, but in some imaginary worlds (like on Saturday) it does happen.  Then the "race" consists of me inevitably seeing someone I know from a previous life and catching up.  Watching the guy who finishes in an all out sprint and an overall 5-k time of fifty-five minutes.  Getting my money's worth from the bagel and fruit table, and wandering home.  This apparently is what makes up a "race".  If I put a "race report" on my blog, it would describe something like that.

I have inserted a picture of a "race".  I'll let you guess who the hypothetical waddler is.  Your hint is, he's the one in the fuzzy background who looks like he is about to die and is praying he doesn't get chicked by a walker.

438 1.0 in 9:12.
439 3.1 in 29:30

Third time I've done the St. Patrick's Day 5-k!  Only ten more minutes off my time to get my PR from a previous life! 

Friday, March 13, 2009

Day 436-7 - The day of stupidity

1.0 in 9:46.
3.0 in 30:46.  The number three looks a lot like eight which is a great rationalization for running three instead of eight.  
The most important running aspect of today is the utter act of stupidity which I partook of.  There will be no more non-plans, and non-training.  I took my $100 and flushed it down the toilet.  I am now officially signed up for this.  Whose brilliant marketing plan involves people plunking copious amounts of cash so that they can endure pain and suffering for multiple hours?  And gets suckers like me to sign up for it?  Well thats it.  Its game on, long run throwdown, gonna git' ya suckahs, go time!  At least until tomorrow, when I quit.  Yeah baby.  Get some marathon thang!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Day 435 -

If I don't post a blog entry, did I actually run?  When no one knows or notices, thats when its hard.  Today the run was.  

Chunky peanut butter.

4.0 in 43:44.  

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Day 434 The Ham-ster

"To be or not to be?  That is the question.  Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.  Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them."  OK thats all I remember.  I suppose I could follow that up with some philosophical rant about running or not running, the battle I have in my mind every day, but that just seems a little too over the top for me.  There could be a soliloquy referencing the conflict of running a marathon or not running a marathon (which really means doing the training for a marathon or not doing the training.)  There also could be a description of the internal diatribe about running or not running on a particular day.  However all of this would probably wind up sounding like self-reflective drivel and thus I won't do any of it.

1.0 in 9:12.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Day 432-433 Penta P's aka 5 Ps

I'm officially starting a new organization it is entitled:  People Protesting Pooches Poo'ing on Pavement.  So it's warm of late.  That means people are taking little Fido on walks now.  Isn't that sweet?  This means that for those of us who occassionally choose to run on the sidewalk or on grass, we have to be ever vigilant for gooey landmines all over the place.  Mmm moist, brown, bubbling piles of poo.   Additionally these canines appear to be eating very well, because sometimes I can't tell whether the deposit was left by a poodle or a buffalo.  These things are huge!  Anyway, I suppose I'd better stop.  Its these types of posts that make it possible for people to google "man running and pooing" to get sent to this blog!  

Day 432 - 1.0 in 9:28.
Day 433 - 4.0 in 40:38.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Day 425-431 The abridged version

425 - shh one mile, in 11:00.  don't tell anyone.

426 - cross training today.  One mile fake run, and lifting heavy objects to help a friend move.  People who have no kids really don't know what its like to have too much junk in their house.  I love helping them move.  I feel a little guilty when I ask for help later and they come look at the giant mound of stuff in my house, but not too bad.

427 - I ran.  Two hours.  Approx. 10.5 miles.  Outside.  On a trail.  It was nice.  I was hawtsawss foh shoh.  Important question: at what point do you become a "cool" enough runner to wear a "technical running shirt" with garish colors?  I picked up a cherry/power tie/ripe tomato/fire engine/my face while running RED shirt from the bargain bin.  I can be seen from miles away.  Is this ok?  Should I wait until I do 6:00 minute mile repeats for fun?  I make me laugh sometimes.

428,429,430, 431  yeah uh four one milers, approx. 43:12.  Am I still on this plan or not....